Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Semen is not good for contacts.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
