Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
