I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
