It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
