I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
