Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
