Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
