I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
