I wish I could punch you in the face.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
