i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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