Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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