i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
