I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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