There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
