i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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