I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
