nut hugger
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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