i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
send nudes
from the living room?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
