the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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