If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
