My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize