My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you never un-have a 4some
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
