I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
