Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
