how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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