This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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