We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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