jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
