he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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