Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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