Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
