oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
