so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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