WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
