Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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