The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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