I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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