What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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