Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
