Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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