Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
