I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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