so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
