If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
