my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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