I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
