Your dad touched me again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
