While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
