Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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