I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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