I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
NoShamevember. You game?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
