She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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