let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i out mim tonsoeep
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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