I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
